wrongwayround

The hugely over-optimistic, ill conceived route plan thing

Roald Admundsen once said "Adventure is just bad planning". In this case we are in for one almighty adventure. People have put more thought into urinating than we have put in to this route plan. But really, as long as we are going East we're all good.

We don't really know what all the fuss is about. With the map on the kitchen table Magadan really doesn't look that far away, I mean it's only just the other side of the fruit bowl.

Day 1: Launch from Wrong Way Round HQ.........

Armed with a sturdy packed lunch and some unhealthy optimism we will venture forth from our HQ in England.. Loved ones will wave us off tearfully knowing it will be months before the leaking tap on the bath gets fixed. At least there won't be oily moped parts in the kitchen now.

Day 2&3: Moto GP at Silverstone.........

We travel to our home GP where we do a parade lap in front of 100,000 adoring fans. Rossi then let's us all have a go on his bike and we all break the lap record and then take up Yamaha's offer of VIP hospitality in the Pits. We all get pissed on free champers at the post race party and Suzi Perry proposes to all of us. It's a good day.

Day 5: Prague, Czech Republic.........

We aim to successfully overtake several pedestrians on our way through Holland, and hope that the unrestricted German autobahns won't be too much of a downer when we realise we are still too slow to splat a fly on our visors. A few Czech beers will make the world all fluffy again.

Day 7: Krakow, Poland.........

The beautiful city of Krakow where you can mix the lively cocktail of Dubrowka Polish vodka and Kalashnikov automatic weaponery. At this point we will most likely volunteer the bikes as targets. Fortunately it is a well known fact that the Yamaha T80 is bulletproof.

Day 12: Chernobyl, Ukraine.........

In 1986 the Chernobyl nuclear reactor went bang with the force of 4.4 million Vindaloos. The result was a bit of a mess not least in the nearby town of Pripyat which is still an eerie ghost town to this day. Here we hope to find a way to harness depleted Uranium to give our engines a welcome boost in power.

Day 17: Kiev, Ukraine.........

After leaving Pripyat with a Ready-Brek outer glow, we head for the Ukranian town of Kiev, which must be where they invented chicken in breadcrumbs. It is now the largest city in the Ukraine, unlike years ago when it was still a mini Kiev.

Day 34: Volgograd, Russia.........

The longest road in Europe (the E40) passes through Volgograd, linking Calais in France, with Ridder in Kazakhstan. At a whopping 7,500km long, legend has it that Christopher Columbus was the first person to attempt to ride the entire length on a moped, but tragically he died of boredom in Frankfurt.

A couple of months later: The Aral Sea, Kazakhstan/Uzbekistan.........

The Aral Sea is about as inappropriately named as Brooklyn Beckham and apparently contains more toxic chemicals than his mother. With the entire "sea" now almost desert, you have officially more chance of drowning in a Cup-a-Soup.

Several months later: Tashkent, Uzbekistan.........

The capital of Uzbekistan awaits us with open arms and hopefully a cure for piles. Having now re-defined the phrase "saddle-sore" we'll be on the market for some knock-off Chinese Anusol. Then once we've patched up our tender botty's we'll attempt to enter China via the rear entrance since they keep telling us they won't let us in.

Two U.S presidents later: Urumqi, China.........

Urumqi holds a Guinness world record for the remotest inland city, being a whopping 2,500 kms from the nearest coastline. Imagine that - living in a place where there is no such thing as a lovely day at the beach. It could almost be twinned with England except that there isn't a Gatso every 500 metres.

Officially now lost for longer than Amelia Earhart: Ulanbataar, Mongolia....

With virtually no roads to speak of in Mongolia, the shortcomings of the T80's off-road capabilities may become apparent. The riders will first notice this when the bike snaps in half, followed by their spine as it rammed through the cranial cavity causing the sort of headache only 10 pints of scrumpy can match.

So long after we left we can't remember why we left: Irkutsk, Siberia.........

Once we have worked out how to remove a T80 seat from a rectum we will press on towards Irkutsk and Lake Baikal, the worlds oldest and deepest freshwater lake. Being back on Russian soil we'll indulge in some weapons grade binge drinking to numb the rising toll of pain.

Dinosaurs once again roam the planet: Yakutsk, Siberia.........

The road to Yakutsk ensures you will never again moan about a queue on the M6. Not so much a road as a clay sewer. In the winter it also has the bonus of being one of the coldest places on Earth. Add a dose of syphillis and you've got all the ingredients for a memorable stay.

The rotation of the Earth stops: Magadan, The Arse End of Nowhere.........

If we reach here we will have conquered the "Road of Bones", named after Doctor McCoy in Star Trek. We are only thankful it wasn't named after Spock otherwise it would have pointy bits and be really quite dull. And in any case that would not be logical captain.

Mission accomplished: Return to base.........

Well by the time we get back the leaky tap on the bath will have been fixed but by our loved ones new loved one. Meanwhile what's left of our belongings will be sitting in a skip. In which case they'll be only one thing to do, grab a packed lunch and go the Wrong Way Down...